Coffe Crack and Random Pandas
by NoMoreYaoiHere
Summary: This is a crack fic that was wrote at four in the morning. Consider yeself warned.
1. Chapter 1

**I **_**should **_**be working on my other fics but I instead am writing a new one!**

**DiScLaImEr~-~ I unfortunately do not own Mortal Instruments. I will now go to my emo corner and write bad poetry.**

**~~~~chat room~~~~**

**Magnus= sparkle-4-ever**

**Alec= door-hugger ;-)**

**Jace= Ducking Glass Mole**

**Clary= Angel Girl**

**Simon= intellectual badass**

**Isabelle= you know who I am**

**The community stalker= The Panda**

**sparkle-4-ever has signed on.**

**Ducking Glass Mole has signed on.**

sparkle-4-ever~ ello goldey locks.

Ducking Glass Mole~ Hey gay Sonic

**door-hugger ;-) has signed on.**

door-hugger ;-)~ MAGNUS! QUIT CHANGING MY USERNAME!

**door-hugger has signed off.**

Ducking Glass Mole~ It suits him well.

sparkle-4-ever~ doesn't it though?

**you know who I am has signed on.**

you know who I am~ What did you change it to this time? O.o

sparkle-4-ever~ door-hugger ;-)

you know who I am~ do you really think that that will help him come out?

Ducking Glass Mole~ No mother

you know who I am~ -_- nlm

Ducking Glass Mole~ NO MEANS NO!

**Alec L. has signed on.**

sparkle-4-ever~ really Alec?

Alec L.~ no. this just _appears _to be my user name

you know who I am~ ALEC!

Alec L.~ Why are you spazzing out? I'm in the next room over you dumbass.

Ducking Glass Mole~ She just took a whole pot of coffee to her room.

Alec L.~ Hey Jace, wanna trade rooms tonight? *Drops to knees begging*

sparkle-4-ever~ You can come over here. ;-D

**Angel Girl has signed on.**

you know who I am~ bad pun. REALLY bad pun

Angel Girl~ this was my username before I found out tyvm

Alec L.~ As much as I love laughing at you guys I have to go.

**Alec L. has signed off.**

Ducking Glass Mole~ I am gonna interrupt his studying cause it is fucking hilarious!

**Ducking Glass Mole has signed off.**

Angel Girl~ I guess that just leaves us two.

sparkle-4-ever~ 3

you know who I am~ I FOUND A COOKIE! XD

sparkle-4-ever~ do I want to know?

Angel Girl~ no. *twitch*

**intellectual badass has signed on.**

intellectual badass~ Hello my peoples

**you know who I am has signed off.**

Angel Girl~ Bye

**Angel Girl has signed off.**

**The Panda has signed on.**

The Panda~ TAKE THAT SIMON!

**The Panda has signed off.**

intellectual badass~ WTF?

**Ducking Glass Mole has signed on.**

Ducking Glass Mole~ Hello?

intellectual badass~ hey

Ducking Glass Mole~ And you are?

intellectual badass~ Simon

Ducking Glass Mole~ Oh. :-(

**Alec L. has signed on.**

**you know who I am has signed on.**

**Angel Girl has signed on.**

Alec L.~ Hey Magnus, Clary, Jace, and Izz.

intellectual badass~ I feel un-loved and Magnus isn't on.

sparkle-4-ever~ you are un-loved and why would you think that I wasn't on? O.o

intellectual badass~ YOU MEAN YOU JUST SAT THERE AS I WAS TAUNTED BY A PANDA?

Angel Girl~ Ummmmm…

you know who I am~ WTF?

Alec L. ~ he has officially lost it

sparkle-4-ever~ he had it? O.O

intellectual badass~ Fuck you all.

Angel Girl~ I'd fall asleep you'd fall in love.

sparkle-4-ever~ Just ask Jace.

Ducking Glass Mole~ nlm

sparkle-4-ever~ It is very unbecoming of you to beg. tsk tsk

Alec L.~ You all are scarring the poor little virgin's eyes.

you know who I am~ PLEASE tell me you mean Simon.

Alec L.~ of course. I am NOT like Misa. (**(1))**

Ducking Glass Mole~ here he goes with manga again. *rolls eyes*

intellectual badass~ yet he didn't deny being a virgin. *looks directly at Magnus*

Alec L.~ nor did you

sparkle-4-ever~ at least we know u 2 don't lie ;-D

Alec L.~ SHUT UP!

Ducking Glass Mole~ Aren't we defensive?

intellectual badass~ bitch -_-

**The Panda has signed on.**

The Panda~ Magnus pwns all you bitches!

**The Panda has signed off.**

Alec L.~ WHO THE HELL WAS THAT?

sparkle-4-ever~ I must go my dear shadowhunters.

intellectual badass~ I really am un-loved aren't I?

sparkle-4-ever~ That is what the panda and us have been trying to tell you.

intellectual badass~ *goes to emo corner*

Alec L.~ Bye

you know I who am~ BYE MAGNUS! I'LL MISS YOU!

sparkle-4-ever~ Someone REALLY needs to take her coffee.

Ducking Glass Mole~ Last time I tried to I almost lost a finger.

you know who I am~ *grins evilly*

Ducking Glass Mole~ Bye guys. I gotta go too.

**sparkle-4-ever has signed off.**

**Ducking Glass Mole has signed off.**

intellectual badass~ As do I.

you know who I am~ DON'T LEAVE ME!

intellectual badass~ okayyyyy…

**intellectual badass has signed off.**

you know who I am~ so watcha doin?

Angel Girl~ lmfao because they thought you had lost it.

you know who I am~ I gotz skillz do I not?

Angel Girl~ yup. I really do have to go though.

you know who I am~ :-(

Angel Girl~ lol bye

**Angel Girl has logged off.**

Alec L.~ You gotz skillz Izz.

you know who I am~ You didn't sign off?

Alec L.~ I was incognito!

you know who I am~ dumbass

Alec L.~ slut

you know who I am~ You rang?

Alec L.~ *twitch*

**you know who I am has logged off.**

**Alec L. has logged off.**

**((1)) The reference of manga is to Death Note.**

**Do you like it?**

**Should I continue the chat roomness or leave it as a one shot? **

**your-not-so-friendly-neighborhood-SQUIRREL: you make them sound way to much like us… which makes them that much more epic! **

**The Better Beta: Yes it does. Too bad I can't really beta this one since it's IM messages… *gloom gloom gloom***


	2. Chapter 2

**Another crack chapter. I am writing this entire story so far (all 2 chapters) at 4am. Please forgive me.**

**The credit for Magnus's name in this chapter goes to my friend Tyler.**

**Italicized sentences are away.**

**Disclaimer= I own … (This line has been disconnected due to lack of everything)**

**~~~~chat room~~~~**

**Magnus= Fagnus;-D**

**Alec= Alec L.**

**Jace= Ducking Glass Mole**

**Clary= Angel Girl**

**Simon= intellectual badass**

**Isabelle= you know who I am**

**The community stalker= The Panda**

**Ducking Glass Mole has signed on.**

**Alec L. has signed on.**

Alec L.~ I am a fucking genius.

Ducking Glass Mole~ y?

Alec L.~ You will see when Magnus gets on.

Ducking Glass Mole~ O dear… *Worried face*

**Fagnus ;-D has signed on.**

Fagnus ;-D~ WHAT? THIS IS **NOT **MY NAME ON HERE! I blame Jace

Alec L.~ Isn't payback a bitch?

_**Fagnus;-D is away plotting Alec's demise.**_

Alec L.~ I really don't like the personalized away messages.

Ducking Glass Mole~ just b glad we can't personalize our sign off messages.

Alec L.~ You can't?

**Alec L. has personalized his sign off message just to piss Jace off.**

**Alec L. has signed on.**

Ducking Glass Mole~ id like 2 c u do that 2 ur sign on message!

Alec L.~ Give me 20 min.

**Fagnus ;-D has signed off and is thanking Alec for showing him how to do it.**

**Alec L. has gone to hack into the chat sight.**

**you know who I am has signed on.**

Ducking Glass Mole~ hey izz

you know who I am~ ello

Ducking Glass Mole~ ur british? O.o

you know who I am~ oui **((1))**

Ducking Glass Mole~ nien **((2))**

**intellectual badass has signed on.**

**Ducking Glass Mole is shunning the ex-mundie. I FIGURED IT OUT!**

intellectual badass~ I'm gonna go cut myself. *goes to emo corner*

you know who I am~ good. go to your emo corner and cry little boy.

intellectual badass~ but I don't wanna

you know who I am~ so watcha doin?

**Ducking Glass Mole has signed on.**

intellectual badass~ reading Riding the Bullet

Ducking Glass Mole~ I always knew u were like that simon.

**Alec L. has figured it out. WHAT NOW BITCHES?**

Alec L.~ I am amazing.

Ducking Glass Mole~ fuck you -_-

Alec L.~ That's Magnus's job.

intellectual badass~ so you have to pay him.

Alec L.~ Just because you have to pay your boyfriend doesn't mean I have to pay mine.

**The Panda has signed on.**

The Panda~ PWN BITCHES!

**The Panda has signed off.**

**sparkle-4-ever has signed on.**

sparkle-4-ever~ hello my dear demon killers.

intellectual badass~ One of these days you guys are gonna make me kill myself.

sparkle-4-ever~ don't get our hopes up.

Alec L.~ Is that even possible?

you know who I am~ he could go & stand in the sun for a while.

sparkle-4-ever~ He is a daylighter.

Alec L.~ he could go run around in a church.

intellectual badass~ I hate all of you.

Ducking Glass Mole~ poor kitty.

Alec L.~ a church not Church.

Ducking Glass Mole~ oh.

**intellectual badass has logged off.**

Alec L.~ I'll be right back.

**Alec L. has gone to torture the ex-mundie.**

you know who I am~ I gotta go.

Ducking Glass Mole~ y

sparkle-4-ever~ She probably has a date you dumbass.

you know who I am~ no. b-day shopping for alec.

sparkle-4-ever~ HE TOLD ME HIS BIRTHDAY WASN'T FOR ANOTHER TWO WEEKS!

**The Panda has logged on.**

The Panda~ It's okay Magnus.

**The Panda has signed off.**

Ducking Glass Mole~ cause he knew u would throw him a party

you know who I am~ bye guys.

**you know who I am has gone to get Alec an epic gift.**

**Alec L. is STILL hacked on to this site!**

Alec L.~ Hello

Ducking Glass Mole~ hey

sparkle-4-ever~ …

Alec L.~ Magnus? You Ok?

sparkle-4-ever~ You lied to me

_**Ducking Glass Mole is cowering from their cat-fight.**_

Alec L.~ What are you talking about?

sparkle-4-ever~ about your birthday Alexander.

Alec L.~ I lied because I knew you would wanna spend my birthday with me and so would my family.

sparkle-4-ever~ That still isn't a good reason to LIE to me!

Alec L.~ I'm sorry. How can I make it up?

sparkle-4-ever~ Spend ALL day with me the day after your B-day. That includes night time. ;-D

Alec L.~ DEAL!

**Ducking Glass Mole has returned.**

Ducking Glass Mole~ cat-fight over?

sparkle-4-ever~ yup. but I gotta go.

Alec L.~ I'll talk to you later Magnus. :-(

Ducking Glass Mole~ Ding Dong the Bitch is Gone!

**sparkle-4-ever knows Jace is just jealous of his glitter. Bye now!**

Alec L.~ I agree with Magnus Bye Jace.

**Alec L. is barricading his door.**

**Ducking Glass Mole has gone to kill Magnus and Alec VERY slowly…**

**((1)) = French for yes**

**((2)) = German for no.**

**Sorry for the lengthiness. I gotztded carried away… I will luvzez you forever if you review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Crack time! (- the gnat that committed suicide in my keyboard while writing this) R.I.P. 07-06-10**

**Why do I have to disclaimers? Why is everything funnier at 2am? Why do I have chocolate chips in my night stand? These are questions I ask while writing this fic.**

_**WARNING- There WILL be tube socks in this chapter. Why I feel the need to tell you I will never know.**_

**DisclaimeR* I own nothing but the tube socks.**

**~~~~chat room~~~~**

**Magnus= sparkle-4-ever**

**Alec= Alec L.**

**Jace= Ducking Glass Mole**

**Clary= Angel Girl**

**Simon= More pathetic than Cullen**

**Isabelle= you know who I am**

**The community stalker= The Panda**

**Alec L. has taken this site over.**

**Ducking Glass Mole is logging on, wishing he was as cool as Alec.**

Ducking Glass Mole~ u r getting creepy good hacking.

Alec L.~ I put my skillz to good use.

Ducking Glass Mole~ ummmmmm… O.o

**More pathetic than Cullen has signed on.**

More pathetic than Cullen~ WHO THE HELL CHANGED MY NAME!

Alec L.~ I agree

Ducking Glass Mole~ as do i

**sparkle-4-ever has signed on.**

**More pathetic than Cullen has gone to do naughty things to his teddy bear.**

**sparkle-4-ever has signed on.**

sparkle-4-ever~ what did you do? have you been hacking again, alec?

Alec L.~ No? :-)

sparkle-4-ever~ and I was born yesterday

Ducking Glass Mole~ ALEC YOU PEDOPHILE!

Alec L.~ a damn sexy day old person too.

Ducking Glass Mole~ *tWITCH* fucking caps lock… -_-

sparkle-4-ever~ go cry little emo kid.

Ducking Glass Mole~ i need better friends. then maybe they will have less obnoxious boyfriends.

Alec L.~ Fuck you.

sparkle-4-ever~ you don't have to ask twice. ;-D

Ducking Glass Mole~ alec did u hear that crash?

Alec L.~ A tube sock with a rock in it just flew in my window.

Ducking Glass Mole~ It is the random tube sock of SIDS, STDs, and a bunch of other bad words that start with S.

sparkle-4-ever~ Like Simon.

Alec L.~ actually, it is from it.

Ducking Glass Mole~ He is your gay stalker.

sparkle-4-ever~ I'm gonna kill that mother fucker. -_-

Alec L.~ I WAS JUST KIDDING MAGNUS! It is from Izz. She snuck out again and Mom is outside talking to Dad. I'll be right back.

_**Alec L. is away saving his sister's ass. lol**_

**(A/N- 6 minutes pass)**

Ducking Glass Mole~ awkward silence, gay baby born.

sparkle-4-ever~ I take offence to that…

_**Alec L. is back.**_

**you know who I am owes Alec BIG TIME!**

you know who I am~ alec, quit it…

Alec L.~ I almost got in trouble. Do realize that I am rarely in trouble?

sparkle-4-ever~ There was that one time. ;-D

Alec L. -_- *shuns Magnus*

**intellectual badass wishes someone liked him.**

intellectual badass~ You are an asshole Alec

Alec L.~ *shuns the psuedovamp*

sparkle-4-ever~ QwErTyUiOpAsDfGhJkLzXcVbNm`~1!23#4$5%6^7:'",./?

Alec L.~ I worry.

Ducking Glass Mole~ as do i

you know who I am~ ditto

intellectual badass~ Me 5

Alec L.~ 5? He can't count.

intellectual badass~ I have 2 personalities! XD

you know who I am~ YOU STOOD ME UP YOU BASTARD!

intellectual badass~ I…um…I

**Alec L. has gone to almost kill the vamp.**

**Ducking Glass Mole has gone to help Alec.**

**intellectual badass, "SHIT!"**

sparkle-4-ever~ See any good sales recently?

you know who I am~ no. you?

sparkle-4-ever~ nope. *goes and cries*

you know who I am~ it's ok Magnus….

sparkle-4-ever~ lol

you know who I am~ ROFLMFAOCMBBLFAMAIDBBQ

sparkle-4-ever~ ?

you know I am~ roll on floor laughing my fucking ass off cause my brother's boyfriend loves fashion as much as I do b b q

sparkle-4-ever~ Alas, I must go.

you know who I am~ fairfarren Magnus

**sparkle-4-ever has gone to bed. Oh, Alec won't be home 2nite. ;-D**

**you know who I am has gone to bed. Simon is okay… ;-D lol**

**If there are any questions, please PM me! **

**Please keep in mind the mourning of the gnat I named Kyle. lol I have a friend with that last name is why.**

**Review or Kyle died in vain. You don't want to make Kyle sad do you? *cries***

_**ka-squiggle-**_** You bastards killed my boyfriend. -_-**

_**Pyro Band Ninja-**_**No they didn't, I DID! XD**

_**ka-squiggle-**_** You bastard. -_-**

_**Pyro Band Ninja-**_** I'M A FUCKING GIRL YOU BITCH!**

_**ka-squiggle- **_**ANYWAY! Review or you will be party boy'd. That is all. Good bye.**

_**Pyro Band Ninja-**_**Unless you like to get party boy'd. Then we will if you review.**


	4. Chapter 4

**I'M BACK! XD**

**I'm bored, snowed in, AND hyper…soooooooooooo…**

**~~~lol~~~**

**Magnus= sparkle-4-ever**

**Alec= Magnus's Boy Toy**

**Jace= Goldy Locks, dress and all**

**Clary= The Midgit**

**Simon= Vampire… Of the SAPAKLAY variety…**

**Isabelle= you know who I am**

**The community stalker= The Panda**

**~~~lol~~~**

**Magnus's Boy Toy has signed on.**

**Goldy Locks, dress and all has signed on**

Goldy Locks, dress and all~ WTF ALEC?

Magnus's Boy Toy~ I DIDN'T DO IT!

**Magnus's Boy Toy has gone to change his username.**

**sparkle-4-ever has signed on**

**Goldy Locks, dress and all has gone to fix his username.**

**you know who I am has signed on.**

sparkle-4-ever~ hello my dearest isabelle

you know who I am~ O.o wats with the formality?

sparkle-4-ever~ u & me are the only ones who have the same names we like…*evil laugh* 3:)

you know who I am~ THAT'S GREAT! XD *glomp*

**Alec L. has signed on.**

Alec L.~ I hate you Magnus… -_-

sparkle-4-ever~ that's not wat u said last nite… ;-D

you know who I am~ FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD AND ON SALE KEEP IT G RATED!

Alec L.~ *sniffel*

sparkle-4-ever~ ToT

**Goldey Locks, dress and all has signed on.**

Goldey Locks, dress and all~ ISABELLE! ARE YOU ON?

**you know who I am has logged off.**

sparkle-4-ever~ some1 likes the name I gave them… lol

Goldey Locks, dress and all~ No! Isabelle changed my password!

Alec L.~ No *she* didn't…

Goldey Locks, dress and all~ ALEC!

sparkle-4-ever~ is this y u came over here when he got on?

Alec L.~ Partially…

sparkle-4-ever~ the other? lol ur cute when u blush…

Goldey Locks, dress and all~ Wait! you 2 are next to eachother and chatting on here? O.o

**ttly_awesome has signed on.**

**The Midigit has signed on.**

**Vampire… Of the SAPAKLAY variety… has signed on.**

The Midgit~… MAGNUS! I TOLD YOU TO QUIT CALLING ME A FREAKING MIDIGIT!

Alec L.~ I did that one…

The Midgit~ *throws brick at Alec's head*

Vampire… Of the SAPAKLAY variety…~ I hate all of you… is Izzy on?

Alec L.~ no. -_-

ttly_awesome~ yes. ;-*

Alec L.~ eh?

sparkle-4-ever~ I LOOOOOVE the new name darling.

ttly_awesome~ u hate me simon? :'(

Vampire… Of the SAPAKLAY variety…~ NO! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE ON!

ttly_awesome~ k

**Vampire… Of the SAPAKLAY variety… has gone to rape small kittens in an alley.**

ttly_awesome~ alec…b nice

Alec L.~ no.

sparkle-4-ever~ I have to get off real quick. Computer is as old as dirt.

Ducking Glass Mole~ like you… (fixed mah name!)

**sparkle-4-ever wants to remind jace he know where he live… -_-**

Ducking Glass Mole~ Proof that Magnus is Asian…^

**Alec L. has logged off cause he is "sleepy"… **

The Midgit~ awkward….

Ducking Glass Mole~ yup

ttly_awesome~ *twitching in the floor*

**The Midgit was to lazy to say good bye.**

**Ducking Glass Mole has gone over to Clary's…**

**ttly_awesome is going to scrub her eyes for 3 days…**

**~~~lol~~~**

**m'kay…**

**not at 4 am but still crack-tastic I hope! XD**

**Don't forget to review! or else…_-_ glaring vamp…**


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